Look, I'm not a prude or anything, but I find, err, you know, the whole human reproduction system, umm, vis-a-vie, well... sex thing kind of unnerving. I can't help it. I grew up in the kind of environment that meant that between the ages of 7 and 16, the concept that humans had genitalia was attested only in slow-buffering, two-minute videos that you had to click 'Aged 21 and older' to see as part of some time-honoured, arcane ritual.
I suck at life. I'd be the first to admit it. But my experience of fucking, limited, though it may be, has taught me much. Mostly, that a lot of people who write about sex for a living are demented fucksticks who take their personal preferences for gospel inspiration and pour all over keyboards in their eagerness to illuminate the rest of us like a bucket of hot, wet disappointment.
People like Amber Milt need to be stopped. Not only are they creating utterly ridiculous standards of practice, they're making the whole human race look stupid by speaking for us. We need to say no. No. By and large men don't want their testicles swatted around like shuttlecocks no matter how much they appreciate the wordplay. I don't mean for this whole post to become a 'Women. Stop telling us what we want' thing but it's kind of all your fault, ladies, for doing exactly that for the last decade.
What? As if any of this shit was written by men. In fact, you can empirically tell it isn't. Because it doesn't involve any double D hooker-bots gatecrashing the set of 'Lesbian Avengers Assemble!: Big Booty Bitches Invade ComicCon'.
[NB: I'm almost sorry that these excerpts have almost exclusively come from Cosmopolitan. I clearly have nothing against the publication.]
***
'The most amazing oral sex I've ever had was from a woman who jiggled my balls back and forth with her hand, like she was shaking dice in a cup. I thought I was going to explode!' Curtis, 33.
OK, so I might have been slightly misleading when I said that it's only women that hold gruesome misconceptions about what men want. What the fuck is wrong with you, Curtis? Is is the fact that your parents named you Curtis? I know, I'd be angry too. But that's no reason to go spreading this kind of misinformation.
'Dice in a cup'? What does that even mean? That if she rolls a double she'll get out of jail? What do you think would happen if I shook up your two brain cells in a cup?
-----------------------------------------------------
'Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects'. Cindy, 32.
Fuck you for making me google 'Sneeze porn', Cindy. Rule 44 exists for a reason and the fact that something as grotesquely simple and unambiguous didn't leap up to announce itself in any search engine proves that we can talk about the internet providing for even the most depraved taste as much as we want and Cindy will still be dangerously wrong about everything.
By comparison, there exists in the darker waters of the net: animal porn, midget porn, parody porn, parodies of parody porn, period porn (that's the period drama kind of period, not the other one that I was too scared to research in case my suspicions that it exists were validated), nun porn, balloon porn and body art porn. That's just in the first five minutes.
If there isn't enough interest in the eroticism of allergies to finance even one porno, and that would within reason require only three people: two to be desperate, out of work actors and another to wish they'd never pursued filming as a career, then basically the whole world thinks this idea is ridiculous. And most of the world as sick as hell.
-----------------------------------------------------
'Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.' Cosmo.
What is it with you gals and ball sport comparisons? Are you just trying to fulfill your fantasies of being violated on centre court by Nadal? Because that would be wishful thinking, you maniacs.
-----------------------------------------------------
'Have him tie your hands with a scarf and hang them on a hook on his door (the kind you would hang your coat or towel on) before he tantalizes you with oral. Since you’ll feel totally like his sex toy, you can add to the arousal of being restrained by begging him to “release” you and let you orgasm.' Cosmo.
So many died needlessly.
-----------------------------------------------------
'Have me lie on my stomach then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it.' Beckett, 33.
Cosmo can't talk about perineum enough. Perineum, perineum, perineum. You'd think they'd beaten a fucking ROM hack from the satisfaction they get telling readers to 'knuckle' the pelvic wasteland as if it would undo years of emotional torture.
To be fair a lot of men write in begging to be knuckled.
'When your man is really close, lightly roll your knuckles between his balls and his back door.' Tobias, 30.
What, you thought I was joking about the use of 'knuckle'? It's quite a vile word isn't it? And yet, here's another:
'Place your fist knuckles-up against the area right behind his testicles. Quickly shake your fist to send powerful vibrations into his prostate gland (aka, the male G-spot).'
That one came direct from the sexfessional sexearchers at the Cosmopolitan sexaboratory themselves. And I certainly can't think of any way that 'quickly shaking your fist' over the 'male G-spot' could possibly go wrong.
'Press his perineum repeatedly. This will make him orgasm.'
You know Cosmopolitan? For a magazine about sexy rumpus and hot shoes you managed to phrase that little chestnut with all the eroticism of an instruction manual for hemorrhoid cream.
-----------------------------------------------------
'Move my penis round like an old-school Atari joystick - up, down, side to side, in a circle'. Ted.
You're being weirdly specific here, Ted. Is 'up, down, side to side, in a circle' the cheat code to unlock your orgasm?
-----------------------------------------------------
'Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body).' Cosmo.
They wouldn't do that to a cock in Guantanamo fucking bay.
No comments:
Post a Comment