Worst Things Ever: The 5 types of Facebook user

Put your hand up if you think you use Facebook too much. That was an order. I know no one put their hand up because you're all too busy using both to molest everyone else's news feed. Facebook is one of the great time-wasting staples and the only reason it isn't beaten by masturbation is because everyone spends a few minutes trawling other peoples' photo albums while their porno buffers. 

I'm not suggesting we do something stupid like try and boycott the social network, firstly, because boring, self-important types have already tried and second, because you might as well try to boycott blinking. I am suggesting we take a long, hard look [I see the porno users have now joined us] at the kind of people who use it most often and usually, in the most clearly defined ways. 

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The Stalker

If you don't think you're any other kind of user on this list (but trust me, you definitely, definitely are) then this one is you. You log onto Facebook for the occasional few minutes just to see how everyone else is doing. Which usually boils down to: 

'FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. She got fat, didn't she?'

 And, 

'Yep. Still doable.'

Those are, by the way, the typical female and male responses to Facebook intel respectively. 

The Teenage Mother

Stop doing this. Please, please just stop doing this. I know it's wonderful. Miracle of life and all that but some of us couldn't give two flaming shits that you managed to get yourself knocked up. 

I know what you're saying. It's something along the lines of: 'OMG look! He's trying to unscrew my bottle of Jack! Isn't he da ceeewwwttest?!'

What? You're telling me that your child did something vaguely people-ish and it was funny? I had no idea. It's not like the internet has any photos like that.

The Poet/Motivational Poster

If this one is you, then congratulations. You might actually just be one of my all-time most hated things, after bus drivers, Bon Jovi and Catholicism. Nah, just joshing Benny. You're alright by me these days.

Seriously, when will people learn that the place for asinine fridge-magnet philosophy is nowhere? If I tried to stick a card that said something like: 'Inspiration is 99% perspiration and 1% actual, reasoned innovation!' to my fridge I sincerely hope that it would swing the door open in my face, simultaneously shrugging off that fucking stupid note and causing a little mild damage to the brain I clearly no longer needed.

You! You right there trying to close this tab. Yes, I can see you. This also includes your type that laboriously types out song lyrics to pose as a poetic or motivational status. You might actually be worse. Sure, we're all glad that those two lines from a Fallout Boy song made you feel better about life. But we're also pretty sure we hate you.

The Narcissist

Now we come to the meat and potatoes of the Facebook user base. All due emphasis on the meat. You, the narcissist, spend hours meticulously erasing all evidence of your existence in posts and es-extra-fucking-specially photos that make you look like anything less than the idol you frantically believe that you are.

You detag yourself from more photos than Bigfoot and all for the sake of your already grossly inflated ego. You spend more time on Facebook looking through photos of yourself than playing Bejewelled like the rest of us and silently seethe about a person looking pretty good in a photo while you type: 'Loookin gawwwwgoouuusss darlin!' in the comments.

The Braggart

Sigh. You can't believe how normal it is that you're just sitting by the beach in the Caribbean. You don't know, maybe you kind of expected this to be more, I don't know, impressive? Doesn't everyone do this?

Well no. No we don't Braggart Facebook users. Some of us don't spend several months backpacking through the Himalayas on a suspiciously comfortable budget. Some, in fact most of us, have never gone backpacking in the Himalayas on a suspiciously comfortable budget. But that isn't going to stop you posting motherfucking hundreds of photos of yourself looking bored in parts of the world that we'd burn down whole orphanages to visit? Does it?