Welcome to Tales of Rad, the only internet column series that Newtonian Physics is too afraid to fuck with.
You know those people you just inexplicably hate without any justification or cause? So does Gravity. And occasionally, Science gives that petulant, prejudiced prick of a phenomenon free reign to do whatever it wants, and almost always takes that opportunity to make a human it doesn't like kiss concrete. Like my girlfriend. If she isn't surrounded by people committed to catching her around the clock, she'd eat total shit once every three hours. And she doesn't even make Gravity's top 500 shit-eaters list.
Now I know that videos of people falling over are pretty much the lowest common denominator when it comes to comedic material, but every once in a while, something beautiful happens. Someone will hit the ground with incredible force, when there is absolutely, no goddamn way they were going fast enough to warrant it. You know what I mean, like when a fat lady's teetering on the edge of the curb, just to plummet maybe four feet down onto the road like a trebuchet fired a wedding dress full of beef joints against a brick wall. She had no business hitting the pavement that hard, but the Laws of Inertia had just run out of fucks that day, or maybe they were tired of swinging that fat bitch's shopping bags around.
Whatever the reason, Youtube is full of hundreds of poor fools like that one I just made up. And seeing as there isn't really a tone here to lower, here are five of the most awesome: the human meteors, whose collision course with Earth was so physically impossible it actually deserves to be immortalised in the gallery of human failure that we know as the Internet. These are people who fought the law. But the law didn't just win, it went to impossible lengths to destroy them.
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This Guy
When Gravity spotted that reporter covering a toboggan race, It knew exactly what to do. But got a little overwhelmed by the options. It could have done the sensible thing, and made the inflatable ring bounce off the reporter's ankle with the anti-climactic result of a man being nudged in the leg by another man riding a pregnancy ring that the logic centres of our brains were screaming for. Or even brought the reporter down to headbutt the shit out of the rider. But Gravity isn't known for thriving under pressure, and when prompted, will turn a failing sports journalist into a ninja for Its own amusement. This video looks like Gravity has been pissed off by all the levitating in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon for years, so gave the secret, air-bending acrobatic techniques of the Orient to the whitest guy it could find.
Also This Guy
BREAKING NEWS: Dublin man Irish whips himself into a stone wall. Deadly black ice blamed. In other news, Physics, the notorious criminal wanted for millions of counts of crimes against dignity and for confounding Catholic scholars everywhere, made a rare statement to the press: 'Hahaaaahahahahahaah! Sir Isaac was wrong about everything! Muahahahah!'
Did you see the look of horror on Simon Cowell's face? It's because he knew. He knew that every two thousand years, the cervix of the night opens and an ancient and terrible god emerges, demanding a sacrifice. Luckily for us, Fate chose someone we wouldn't miss - X Factor's Onkar Judge. Go ahead, skip to 1:35, all you'll be missing is some godawful crooning, but what else are the X Factor auditions for than laughing at the delusions of failures? Watch, as this maniac ploughs his lower body into the floor with the kind of mindless suicidal instinct that can only be explained by the Dark Hand guiding him to his ignominious end in front of a panel of vacuous arseholes. Implausible? Then you explain to me why someone so in love with themselves would try so hard to liquidise their own kneecaps.
And then there's... This Guy?
Nerds are known for three things, and none of them are sweet dance moves. So when this kid walked on stage to compete at the BlizzCon dance contest, you can bet he probably wasn't the worst thing the judges had seen that day. But he does look like chemical waste. Or the guy that sobs when Luke Skywalker muders his pet Rancor with a skull and as you can probably guess, doesn't dance very well. See, a lifetime of World of Warcraft has strange, arcane effects on human bone structure and eventually, helping one of these people support themselves outside their natural environment is like playing catch with a scale model of the Wicker Man made of Twiglets. After twenty seconds jumping up and down he crumbles like so many bricks of cocaine. He does get up and have another go though, and the result is so impossible I think just typing it voids my mental health warranty. From a height probably a foot shorter than the average a full-grown human can standing jump, this guy breaks his own leg. People have fallen out of airplanes and not broken bones. If this video was made into an Anime, and the only person that wants that more than me is that kid, to do this, the kid's foot would have had to hit the ground with the force of an exploding star. And that would have left an impact crater the size of Essex.
THIS FUCKING GUY
The number of fucks a person has to give in a given day are inversely proportional to the number of balls they have. This Fucking Guy has all the balls. He's such a perfect combination of gutsy and stupid that if you followed him around with a camera in two hours you'd have enough material to fill Youtube's humour section for months. A good piece of media raises more questions than it answers. And this CCTV footage is nothing but questions. Unless there's a back door to that building, or there's a lab in the basement where they're genetically engineering brainwashed Punjabi zombies, this is at least the second time this idiot has seen an automatic door. So, what? Is this how he solves every problem? Face-first? How did he survive the Internet's most incredible impact? Is his sexual history just vaguely human-shaped holes in the floor of his apartment? How do door manufacturers not plan for people like him? At least I can answer the last one, there is no goddamn way there are people out there like That Fucking Guy, they'd have broken every bone in their body by the time their parents got them back from the hospital.
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