A Gentlemen's Guide To The Art Of Incivility - With All Your Favourite Celebrities!

2012 is here and if you're anything like me, as the clock ticked over to midnight and the fireworks erupted behind a building two miles from where you thought they would, you drunkenly resolved to dish out more insults to those special people in your life that so richly deserve them. The thing is, statistically speaking, you're not, luckily, anything like me. You may have made the decision to spend this new year of your rapidly depleting mortal life being more of an insufferable bastard, but you definitely lack the linguistic elegance to do so. Moreover, any charitable attempt by me to try to remedy that is futile, except this one. I'm well aware you couldn't isolate the operative verb in this sentence, but if there's one thing an idiot knows about, it's celebrities. So here they are, the five archetypes you're trying to offend in 2012, named for the great and the good that most accurately represent them. 

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1. The Susan Boyle

Judging someone chiefly for their appearance is shallow, intellectually flimsy, and hilarious. But not to the subject's face. An ugly person's self-esteem (especially if it's a woman) is intrinsically fragile and the wrong comment at the wrong time can completely destabilise their meaningless lives. But a Susan Boyle is such a boner-annihilating, freakish homunculus that it just demands to be vilified, if only just in the hope that your jibes will offend the Twisted God that allowed this abomination to be conceived. That way, maybe It will think twice next time before giving Cúchulainn, The Blight and Cthulhu the keys to the Champagne Room.

Attack Method: Narrative invective works great against the Susan Boyle, because its always a critical point to consider how this thing came to be, so making up an offensive story that explains it, can be a good laugh. Don't bother with the why, some people are just too horrific to justify without getting to exceedingly depressing conclusions about the nature of God.

Example: Mary Poppins! What is that?! It looks like George Lucas lost interest halfway through shaving an Ewok and decided he'd rather beat it with a leper's loofer.


2. The John Terry

A John Terry is the kind of insensitive imbecile that isn't actually aware of the unreasoned, bigoted opinions they're happy to hold and to share with anyone that will listen, or of the volatility of these opinions until they are way, way too fucked. Essentially, if you're taking any notice of this, this one is you. But handing out a little invective to another should hopefully divert a little attention from yourself. And here's how.

Attack Method: The John Terry is especially vulnerable to doses of their own medicine. If they hate Jews, Blacks, Guatemalans and so on, insinuate that they don't. Nothing pisses these people off more than claims that they're actually tolerant, because they're impossibly proud of their 'call a spade a dirty, fucking spade' attitudes. Plus, they'll doubtlessly have been forced against their will to make some kind of rudimentary public apology. And that's just embarrassing.

Example: Hey Mel, I could have sworn I saw you at that Portuguese restaurant last night. How did the Filipino transsexual you were sitting with like the lobster?

3. The Stephen Fry

Everyone uses social networking to stalk other humans, but slightly fewer use it as an outlet for an incessant stream of consciousness that barely registers as thought. The Stephen Fry has never been so fucking excited to tell the whole world about their latest epiphany - no matter what it is. There's no such thing as an innocuous idea, but these people get pretty goddamn close, approaching their most recent bowel movement or their cat's most recent 'shenanigan' in the same way as someone who just cracked the Voynich Manuscript.

Attack Method: The weak-willed gentleman might just defriend or unfollow such a person. But the most effective way to upset a Stephen Fry is to challenge every single thing they say. Pointing out their every spelling or grammatical error (of which there are bound to be many), is laborious, but the rewards can be startling.

Example:

Textbook.

4. The Kim Jong-Il

Simply being slightly famous and dead is enough to get the mighty force of the internet united against you. But it's pretty unlikely you know someone in both of those uniquely undesirable positions, and if you did, I get the feeling you wouldn't need my help to abuse their memory. No, a Kim Jong-Il is what it is. A maniacally Draconian dick-bag with far less authority over you (as your manager, boss, sex-mistress) than they think. They're only happy throwing their weight around, and if making your life less convenient is a result then so be it.

Attack Method: Dealing with a Kim Jong-Il is easier than it seems. They say power corrupts, but not as absolutely as a half brick in a sock collapses the windpipe. Be sure to write something vulgar on their forehead in permanent marker while they're unconscious.

Example: Will, I asked for those forms yesterday an- What are you doing with that piece of plywood with a nail stuck through it? Is it a nail? Sure looks lik- KERSPLUNCH!!


5. The Entire Cast of TOWIE

Let me be frank. If you even watch the scripted, faux-reality/nightmare program The Only Way Is Essex, affectionately known as TOWIE, then I hate you. That should put in perspective the kind of broiling, catatonic hatred I have and you should for every foundation-coated excuse for a human being involved in it. If you started to explain the plot of an episode to me and I punched you in the face, I'd have inadvertently spoiled the ending for myself. Therefore, you're safe in assuming that any target that ranks as a TOWIE, is pretty awful. And you'd be right. They are the absolute worst of everyone you know - they're narcissistic, braindead attention whores that would suck off a horse if the farmer promised to tell the local village newspaper about it.

Attack Method: Don't even bother. These people are delusional, wiping anything that anyone says that isn't metaphorically kissing their arses from their tiny, avian brains. The worst you can conceivably do is ignore them. Ensuring that their asinine word vomit is heard by as many adoring ears as possible is all these sociopathic wax sculptures can do to achieve orgasm, other than gently nudging their genitalia against one of their own kind until the cameraman is too revolted to continue.

Example: ... oh... oh my god. You are... just the worst. There aren't words. The English language doesn't contain a word remotely strong enough to describe what you are. Not even... you know, that one.