Well worry no more, for I am here for you. With my new guide! In 5 easy to follow steps you'll be alienating girls left and right, you won't even need that stick you have for beating them away! But why trust me? Well, I consider myself something of a 'space doctor genius' when it comes to screaming ineffectually in girls' ears and watching them walk away with a mixture of terror and revulsion in their eyes. So have no fear, you'll be wallowing in self-pity and loneliness before the night is through with my help!
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Step 1: First Impressions
Women are a fickle, mysterious race but they do have naturally high concentrations of intuition in their (yellow) blood. It's therefore vitally important that you make a good initial impression, don't let them sniff out the fact that beneath your charmingly bohemian exterior beats the caustic heart of a future serial killer. You want them to think you are just a normal guy so naturally, that's going to take some acting. Nothing Oscar-worthy obviously, just a friendly smile and a simple introduction.
[IMPORTANT NOTE: do not introduce yourself by your internet alias, as these are almost always awful like RectalExaminer87 or Pussyfart_Greenhornet. Save them for later]
Also, try winking, a lot, in fact, try to conduct this ice-breaking exercise with yours eyes shut for as long as possible. Winking puts a woman at ease as they are naturally intimidated by unblinking stares, which make them feel like you're judging them.
Step 2: Testing the Waters
Right, now that you've learnt, promised to remember and forgotten all their names/ages/cities of origin it's time to judge them. Not physically, so what if they're all stunning? It's not like you'll be sleeping with any of them. Hell no, we're here to violently ostracise some ladies, because that's what you're into. You know, I'm starting to wonder about you imaginary reader.
Ok, now it's important at this point to keep up your act, but stay introverted. Just let them talk, they're all genetically engineered with a daily quota of words to get through which if they fail to complete they're reprogrammed to be lesbian by satellite. Stay focused, you should be listening - making mental notes of any sensitive personal information they let slip: one of them's Jewish, secretly married or clinically depressed? That'll come in useful later. This shouldn't be too difficult, ladies are pretty easy to read, what with their wearing their hearts on their sleeves (and liver and kidneys too occasionally, especially after it was in that one issue of Vogue or whatever).
Step 3: Warming Up
Alright then, from their inane chattering, you've managed to judge their intellect, background and various other attributes, now it's time to get started. Everyone knows that to be an effective female-talker-at-er you need to be funny. So logically, the best way to be an ineffective whatever-I-just-said is to tell no jokes right? Or discuss sad things like drowning puppies, or Schindler's List or all the drowning puppies that were in Schindler's List in the deleted scenes.
Well you'd be dead wrong my friend. The key to female-alienation is trying to be funny and failing both miserably and repeatedly. Nothing beats the look on their faces when you line up what you think is a perfect joke - timing, topicality and delivery were all spot-fucking-on and you even managed the hardest bit, not laughing at it yourself. And the response was dismal, looking at the row of blank faces you'd think you'd whipped out your dick and dipped it in each of their drinks, leaning in close to whisper 'that's for you... for later'. Be sure to vary your trainwreck comments though, remember to pitch them above and below their comprehension so they don't know whether you're insulting their intelligence or just plain hide-the-cutlery stupid yourself. Being consistently unfunny is a challenge, so expect the occasional pity laugh, but don't be disheartened.
If you've been following this guide to the letter you should have their attention, but they're now slightly suspiscous of you intentions/mental stability and rather confused. Now is the time to make it personal, anything you gleaned during Step 2 is now fair game for your inflammatory derision. However, if the females in question happened to be the rare Speckled Laconic breed then you've doubtless got no dirt on any of them. The easiest way to demonstrate your bigotry now is just to bring up as many of your own unreasoned opinions as possible and hope one of them hits a sore spot. Pubs are ideal for this, especially if they have the news on TV. Here are a few examples:
'Rain over Brighton eh? Well that's what they get for stickin' it to the man. Know what I mean? I mean they fuck men.'
'I'm all for immigration, we need more Chinese to do accounting and stuff like that. They're great at that shit, what with their crafty little fingers.'
'Medicinal marijuana?! Those Leukaemia patients get all the luck.'
Step 5: Going Nuclear
Now's the time you've been waiting for this whole evening, it's your chance to do something really planet-shatteringly crazy. You will need to actually do something, rather than say it, you'll have really desensitised them to your verbal madness by now. The important thing is to be creative and spontaneous but the best (as I call them) Night-Enders usually require some planning, or at the very least, a little foresight. There are some examples below, but I would really recommend coming up with something yourself.
I! THE DREAD GOD CTHULU HAVE ARISEN! ARISEN TO SOW MY INFERNAL SEED IN THE BOWELS OF YOUR FEEBLE PLANET!!
[This one works best if you remembered to bring some pre-cooked noodles, which you can drape over your face before flagrantly attempting to penetrate the carpet]
I FUCKING HATE THE GODFATHER!!
[Maybe bring your DVD set and ostentatiously smash it on something. Or better yet, bring someone else's DVD set]
THE ABYSS! IT GAZES BACK!!
[Ideal if you're sat next to a window]
That's for you... for later.
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Congratulations! You should now be walking home alone. I knew you had it in you champ!
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